Wave your debit card: the wanker’s information to getting served on the bar

POSSIBLE prime ministers Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak go face to face tonight on ITV. These are the questions they need to be requested: 

Gove, Rees-Mogg, Patel: snog, marry, keep away from?

The quickest perception into anybody’s character is a sport of shag, marry, keep away from. Particularly when offered with horrific choices. No one comes out of this query a winner, not least the viewers who could find yourself picturing Rees-Mogg’s segmented, insectile cock, or Truss locked in a loveless marriage to Priti Patel.

What’s your zombie apocalypse plan?

As soon as a zany icebreaker for college students, now a pertinent subject of nice nationwide significance. It’s coming, so how do Sunak and Truss plan to fight hordes of the undead roaming Britain hungry for brains? As with each query, their reply will invariably contain reducing taxes.

What’s the naughtiest factor you’ve ever finished?

Theresa Could walked into this gotcha query like an fool and supplied the dullest reply potential. No one needed to ask Boris. Maybe Truss and Sunak can be caught off guard and let slip ‘massive scale tax evasion’ or ‘I’m a Chinese language agent in deep cowl’ or ‘searching vagrants for sport’.

Would you fairly have lobster claws for palms or flippers for toes?

Televised debates are uninteresting as f**ok. A fast spherical of ‘would you fairly’ will interact the general public creativeness, particularly if it’s devoid of political substance. Similar to Brexit, the query will break up the nation into two warring factions, though in contrast to Brexit there are advantages on either side of the argument.

What number of instances did you catch Johnson on the job?

It’s fantastic, he’s on the best way out, they will speak in regards to the instances they caught Large Canine furiously banging away within the corridors of energy with out concern of repercussion. A ballpark determine will do. Kind of than 100 instances? Jesus, that many? And with Carrie each time? Really, scratch that final one, no level losing the viewer’s time with questions we already know the reply to.